HUMOR

A legend is someone nearly everyone has heard of but very few people actually know about.

As a new student, I have heard people speak of Sheldon Speedmeyer, the perpetual senior. I have seen him once, during a Clubs assembly, but I’m still searching. When I ask students if they know him, they answer, “Who?,” ”Never heard of him,” ”He’s at Collegiate?,” or “He doesn’t even go here.” Others say, “Ha ha, Sheldon,” ”Yes, I know him,” or “He’s hilarious.” Despite his elusive nature, after a long investigation, I’m able to give you a better picture of Sheldon.

Sheldon was born in 2006 at the age of 17. His story started that year when he met Russell Wilson in room 109. Russell told him the sentence that would come to define his lifestyle. They were in Honors Celebrity IV, and it was a Flex Day 8, Sheldon’s favorite day. While they were working together in class, Wilson said to Speedmeyer: “Don’t be afraid to fail.” That’s why, since 2007, Sheldon has remained a senior at Collegiate. Every year, he fails, but he doesn’t care. He’s not afraid of it.

A picture of Sheldon in AP Memes class.
Photo credit: Baptiste Roussel.

I learned this story while speaking with students; however, I’m still trying to contact Sheldon. I’ve sent him an email, added him on facebook, followed his twitter account, and even followed him on google+. Alas, I have yet to hear from Sheldon. Although I interviewed many students about Speedmeyer, and I read his Senior Speech (I have no idea which of his senior years it was for), after analysis, I found nothing exciting. I only discovered that Sheldon skinned his knee at the river house when he tripped on his dog, Balthazar. I had to continue to search, and I found several anecdotes that might tell you more about the legend of Collegiate.

Sheldon has tried every sport at Collegiate. He once played on the girls JV volleyball team because he was no longer accepted by the boys team. Currently, he is a member of the varsity petanque team, and he coaches the team as well. His winter sport this year will be curling, for which he hopes to receive a college scholarship. What a sports lover!

The question that everyone asks is, “Why does he never graduate?” Well, Sheldon is now into his ninth senior year, and every year he fails a class or something else. For example, last year he failed AP Scuba, which seems believable, considering he doesn’t know how to swim. Another year, he didn’t Flex Creatively. He failed the Tumblr poetry English elective because he forgot his account password. The worst year for Sheldon was his sixth senior year. Everything was going well, he was in a course which he enjoyed, and he was ready to finally go a year without failing. However, one day, everything that Sheldon had been working for suddenly fell apart. First, he didn’t park in the good church parking lot, then he failed his AP Advisory Snack test with a score of 17. First, he tried a classic, the donut, but there was a problem. He only brought three, so his adviser gave him a second chance, but he forgot advisory snack the next time, so he bought five cookies at the café and cut them into eight pieces to distribute to his class. Disappointing, to say the least.

Balthazar, the dog of Sheldon.
Photo credit: Sheldon Speedmeyer,

Sheldon was feeling really bad. He wanted to take a bath, which was his tradition after failing an AP exam. Unfortunately, he was unable to find his car in the church lot. So, he went back to Collegiate and found a conveniently placed tub in the Upper School hallway. Without hesitation, he jumped in,  but a few seconds later, he realized that everyone was looking at him. He was in the “Ton of Coins” tub.

As his Senior Speech says “ I encourage each and every one of you to step outside of your comfort zone and get some experience outside of the Collegiate bubble.”

Sheldon has a life outside Collegiate; he enjoys watersports such as chess and calculus, but that’s not all. He applied to a place where no Cougar could ever find him: St. Christopher’s Institute of Online Education. There he’s taking AP Snapchat Screenshot. We wish him luck!

Featured image: Vlastik Svab.