By Maddie Ball

I pack up a bag of clothes, makeup, and shoes. I just hope I didn’t forget anything. I shove my computer in my backpack, grab both bags, then I head down stairs. I say goodbye to my mom, Collegiate college counselor Kim Ball, put my bags in my car, then drive off. 

This scenario may sound like I am heading on a trip, or maybe heading to school, but this is not the case. Like millions of other American children and teenagers, every other weekend, I pack up a bag of all the things I think I will need for the weekend and head over to my dad’s house, about 15 minutes away.

My parents, like many other teens’ parents, are divorced. About 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, and while many people think of divorce as a devastating end to a marriage, it also has a profound effect on the children who are greatly impacted by the change. While the divorce rate in the United States as a whole is high compared to the divorce rate of Virginia, which is three per every 1000 residents, many families still find themselves in this situation.   

As a child, many of my friends’ parents were still married, and I always felt like I was the only kid with divorced parents. It made me feel vulnerable and different, which I did not like as a Lower Schooler at Collegiate. I tried my best to cope with this feeling, but seeing families walk into the Lower School on the night of the Art Walk or Colonial Days made me wonder what it would be like to have my parents still together. I even tried Banana Split, a group for Lower Schoolers from divorced families, but soon realized it didn’t change the way I felt. 

While some children, including me at one time, might think that their parents’ divorce won’t affect them, it most likely affected them in small ways that are very difficult to notice initially. If the divorce takes place while the child is at a very young age, the parent may not even be able to see the effect it had on the child. Family law attorney Anita C. Savage, writes that, “Separations between a young child and their parent can cause anxiety and can affect the child’s ability to adjust to the changes that are occurring in his or her family structure.”  

I grew up living in two different households, and I have never known any other way of life. I didn’t know what it was like to have two happy parents living in the same home. Yet I think it played a role in how I grew up. I was independent from a young age, and I enjoyed figuring out how to do things on my own, such as cooking and sports. Psychologist Dr. Carl Pickhardt states that “divorce tends to accelerate the adolescent’s independence.” 

A challenge of growing up in two different households, according to Noah Kiczales (‘21), is that one lives in two completely different environments. His parents have been divorced since he was one year old. Kiczales says that while his “dad tends to prioritize family time, and my mom tends to prioritize my school work.” Two different parenting philosophies can lead to a child’s confusion and a feeling of irregularity. While both households prioritize two very important aspects of life, the change from one to another can cause children to feel out of control. Kiczales rotates between staying at his dad’s house for two weeks at a time, then to his mom’s, where he stays about one week at a time, and as a kid it is hard to adjust the change in environment every week. Parents in a divorced family control the situation and the schedule, so the child must deal with the constant reminder of being out of control. Brian James, an experienced divorce and family mediator, writes that “When parents divorce or separate, children can feel helpless and out of control in the situation. This can leave them looking for ways to find what they can control in their lives.”

Eliza Stone (‘22) says she “definitely feels out of control, especially because I can’t choose which parent’s house to stay at; it’s decided by a schedule my parents came up with.” It is hard for a child to have no choice regarding when they see each parent. Children can feel completely out of control, and those feelings caused me to have severe anxiety through most of the 3rd Grade. I didn’t have the option to choose when I stayed in my mom’s or dad’s house until recently. It was based on a schedule that my mom and dad made when I was too young to understand my situation. James says that, for some people, divorce “can leave children looking for ways to find what they can control in their lives.” This feeling of being out of control may also cause unhealthy or addictive habits. 

Divorce can also cause confusion. Many children will feel a sense of sadness and confusion during the divorce if they are old enough to remember it. Stone, whose parents split when she was eight years old, felt very confused and didn’t fully understand all that a divorce meant. Divorce can also cause confusion among younger children, because they may believe it is their fault and feel guilty. Stacia Garland, a national award-winning teacher who has worked with gifted students, says that the reason they feel this guilt is because “during their early learning years most of their unpleasant experiences were their fault. So it is natural to blame themselves for the turmoil in the family.” This can change their outlook on life and make them feel upset or distraught.

Divorce can also leave a sense of desiderium: an ardent desire or longing; especially a feeling of loss or grief for something lost. A child can constantly feel like they are missing something or missing out on something. Stone shared that, “I felt like she was missing out because I would see my friends on vacation with their families and they looked so happy.” 

I don’t recall feeling that way as a child, because my dad and my mom both had significant others in their lives since I can remember, and so I felt like I had two families. But, I did feel like I was missing out on having a blood-related sibling that shared the same parents . Now, I have two step-sisters and a half-brother. When my mom remarried when I was six years old, my step-dad, Mike Adamik, already had two children of his own, my step-sisters Megan and Eliza. My mom and Mike eventually had a child, my half-brother Ryan (‘29). 

I struggled as a tween to find people who understood my situation. While my two step-sisters understood divorce, they didn’t understand my personal experience. Even though I have a half-brother, he doesn’t understand my struggles with divorce either, because his parents are still married. He does understand that Megan, Eliza, and I have divorced parents. He has a vague understanding of divorce, and he knows that my mom is his mom, but his mom is not Eliza and Megan’s mom. 

When I was younger, the divorce created a hole in my life, a loneliness that I felt like no one in my family could fully understand. I desperately wanted someone to experience the challenges of my parents’ divorce with, and I thought that I was missing out on a full-blood sibling relationship. 

Now, five years later, and I have realized I have two wonderful sisters that understand what it is like to struggle with divorced parents, and that’s better than anything I could have asked for. Megan says that when she was younger, “I hated having a blended family, but as I got older, I learned to appreciate it more.” Eliza “has never liked having to switch houses, but I like having more vacations and more holidays. I also think that now that we are older, we barely fight anymore, and our parents don’t fight, so it is a very healthy environment. It was hard to adjust to switching houses and having a new family, but by now I am used to it and actually appreciate all the positives divorce has given me.”

My mom believes that “blending families has been challenging because of the varying schedules as kids go back and forth to their other parents’ households. It’s tough to then set a rhythm for one household if those schedules don’t align. In addition, different households can have different rules, so it can be difficult for children to figure out what is or isn’t acceptable in the various homes. In our case, I think it took some time for everyone to feel comfortable.  There were bumps and challenges, tears and fights, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Our family grew, strong sibling relationships eventually developed, and we are all better for learning how to come together to support and love one another.” 

Divorce does have long lasting effects on teens, whether it is visible or not. Children with divorced parents are much more likely to have trouble with relationships. They may have trouble committing or forming long-lasting relationships, which can prohibit them from starting a family. Children of divorce are also more likely to participate in risky behaviors. This could include anything from taking up dangerous sports to turning to substances at an early age. 

While the challenges of a child experiencing divorce can be significant, some positives to divorce exist. I get two Christmases, two birthdays, two Valentine’s Days. A child could get four parents instead of two and may even get some amazing siblings from it, like I did. I know not all families are so lucky, but I got two extraordinary sisters and a brother that, although I hate to admit it, I could never live without. They support me and talk through any problems I have with me. I got a step-dad who is funny and makes my mom joyful. (We can’t tell him that he’s funny because he would never let us live it down.) I got an incredible step-mom who has always looked out for me like one of her own. And, of course, I have the continued support of my mom and my dad.

There is plenty of research that reflects on the effects of divorce on a child, the risky behaviors, the early independence, the lack of control they feel, but none of the articles I read focused on the positive sides of divorce. There is no question that divorce is hard, and at some point children of divorce may feel out of control or angry or guilty. But, new, supportive, and loving families can be created, so I am grateful for the blessings that I got from my parents’ divorce.